What do you need?

They say that God has a sense of humor.

The story of this particular part of the past year of my life strikes me as being funny. Maybe it is.

A little over a year ago, I began to desire to have a boyfriend. My life seemed so unstable. I wanted to be with someone who had all the answers. Someone who knew what they wanted and why they wanted it. Someone with plans for the future. I wanted to be able to anchor my life onto a steady, rock-solid man.

And while God knows what we want, we don't always get what we want.

Instead of giving me the rock-solid Christian with his whole life planned out, God put Peter into my life. Peter. The guy who responded to "tell me your testimony" by seemingly reading my mind, voicing and articulating my buried questions and doubts about God's sovereignty even better than I could. The guy who not only failed to have all the answers, but also seemed to have no answers. The guy who didn't know until three months ago if he would even be in the United States this school quarter. The guy who still doesn't know what country he'll be in three months from now.

God knows what we need. And sometimes... it's better than what we want.

The only way we could possibly have made it through the past year is by God's grace. And we know it. Peter could probably tell you more about his side of the story, but here's a few effects of our relationship on my relationship with God.

Peter's uncertainty was exactly what I needed. His doubts drove me to my knees to pray for his faith with an urgency I hadn't felt in a long time. I couldn't anchor my hopes and dreams to him; I had to give my everything to God. To rely on God. Peter's lack of answers forced me to re-examine my own questions and search for answers on my own again. They gave me motivation to truly seek God's will. I could have been content drifting along for a long time. But my desire to be with Peter trumped my desire for security, comfort, and complacency. I honestly sought God and was open to hearing from Him. Because a chance at being with Peter was worth the risk of God telling to me to do something I didn't want to do.

And while Peter's leading me spiritually hasn't look like I might have imagined, I never needed a boyfriend to fill another pastor or discipler role in the first place. I needed someone to grow with and question with and seek with. Someone to walk side by side with. A fellow broken sojourner desperately clinging to God.