I finally finished reading A
Retrospect. I started it way back nearly two months ago when we had that excerpt in the
readings. And I slowly worked my way through the first half which was full of
super awesome challenging-ness. Then raced through the second half which was
more descriptions of what happened rather than depictions of true faith. I was
feeling really challenged by Hudson
Taylor’s faith and how he would struggle and wrestle with God in prayer for
hours and hours – spending all his free time in prayer with God when things
weren’t making sense or when things were turning out differently than he had
expected. I was moved because I realized that I really hadn’t been doing that.
After my brother’s death, I had a lot of questions for God. There were a lot
things that didn’t make sense to me, and some characteristics of God that I
couldn’t seem to reconcile with my experiences. I’ve mentioned a couple of
these things in past reflections, but after starting A Retrospect I
began praying that I would be able to struggle with God and go to Him with my
questions. Then, a couple Sundays ago my pastor said something about asking God
questions without questioning who God is. And I think shortly after my brother’s
suicide I did a lot of questioning who God is. And I had sort of shut that down
by praying for more faith to know that God is who God is, but then didn’t
revisit those questions and address God as who he is and ask him my questions.
But I started praying that I’d be able to. And two Thursdays ago I came across by
chance (on my old laptop that I haven’t used in years) a letter that I’d
written my future self when I was a senior in high school. It was for a class
assignment, and was supposed to be mailed out by the teacher after college
graduation, but I found it a year early. And I was again very challenged, but
this time it was by my own faith, not by Hudson Taylor’s. It’s one thing to see
the intense faith of this spiritual giant, but it was another to read what I’d
written only a few years ago when I was in a really dark period. I’d thought
that that was the darkest point of my life – the end of senior year of high
school. My brother had attempted suicide twice that semester and others close to me were struggling
with thoughts of suicide as well. And yet, I’d somehow written, in the middle
of this letter to my future self
Let’s see – the important stuff. I hope you love God with all your
heart. Jesus is the only reason for living, and I can tell you with complete
certainty that your life would not be nearly as fulfilling or blessed as it is
right now if not for God’s amazing and overwhelming love. Maybe at this moment,
you’re agreeing with me, or maybe you’re shaking your head because life isn’t
good at all. But that’s okay because four years ago, life wasn’t good at all,
and with God’s love you made it through okay. So let’s thank God and move
forward.
I went on to talk about how I
hoped that I finally knew what I wanted to do in the future and how I hoped
that my relationship with my brother was better and how I hoped he’d still be
alive whenever I was reading this. And I talked about how grateful I was for
the little Bible study group we had in high school and those short trips we
took to Mexico together and all the “miracles” we got to see, like hardened
prisoners weeping and crying out to God or bratty American teenagers cheerfully
sleeping on the cold cement floor and offering to do extra chores to make the
trip easier for the adults. And I ended by saying
God is good. He has a plan and a purpose for your life. Love God wholeheartedly
and love your neighbor as yourself. You’re just one person, but God lives in
you. Live for His purpose, to bring Him glory, and advance His kingdom. Change
the world! Oh, and tell Mama and Daddy you love them. They did their best.
Always remember that. J
I don’t know if you can hear the
faith in that letter, but it’s there. And it was incredibly difficult for me to
recognize that a couple weeks ago. Incredibly difficult to recognize that I
used to have this much faith… and somehow lost a whole lot of it. And I can’t
even blame it on circumstances really, because in many ways, things were worse back
then. And I’m not sure how I lost that solid faith, but since finding this
letter I’ve started praying again… really praying and talking and listening to
God. I’ve also been praying that my view of God would be enlarged. The God I
used to believe in is a whole lot bigger than the God I’ve been believing in
recently. And I really want to believe in the all-powerful and purposeful God
again.
